Darkness Can’t Win


My boy, I am sorry for not being the mommy you need. I am sorry I am no fun anymore. I am just too tired from being up with your sissy. I try to be fun but my sadness takes over and I am too tired to function.  Oh, my boy, I am sorry I let the darkness creep in. I didn’t understand how real it was but it is here and I can’t let it win. I love you too much.

My hubby and partner in life, I am sorry I am so tired that I can’t function or control my emotions. Everything is so new to me. What happened to me? What happened to your wife? Can you help me? Can you fix me? Will I be normal again? What did I do wrong this time? I can’t let the darkness win. I love you too much.

I’m so tired my girl, I can’t function. What is this feeling? Why can’t I shake it? The darkness just keeps getting darker. How did it sneak up so quick? I prayed for you; you are perfect in every way and formed in the image of God. Why am I angry and why would I be sad? I can’t let the darkness win. I love you too much.

I feel trapped, it’s all I feel. I need to get out and away from this life I created. What was I thinking? Why did I do this? Where could I go? Where could I hide?  All of these emotions. Why is this happening? I prayed for this and I wanted this. This brand new baby girl is all I ever dreamed about yet I feel trapped. A mom of two? What more could I have asked for? I prayed for you and I wanted you both. I can’t let the darkness win. I love you too much.

I put on a mask every day at work and no one even knows that I’m struggling. I feel it and I need help.  How do I ask for help? Is this what postpartum depression is? I can’t let the darkness win. I love life too much.

***These are my own personal feelings and thoughts when I suffered from PPD. I wrote them all down, I remember it well. PPD can hit at any time. Mine did not creep in until my little girl turned 4 months old. I struggled and no one at work even noticed. It’s a mask some women wear. Not everyone has the same feelings or thoughts. I tend to feel deeply. I sought help and was better in a few months but these times were scary and dark. Don’t let the darkness win. Be the light and look beyond the mask!