Part 1: Just Ask . . .


I just listened to a song I haven’t heard in 2 and a half years. ’45’ by Shinedown. All the way through. It was like Zane wrote it. Small panic attack in the gym. For some reason, I couldn’t fast forward. I guess he told me to listen. This is one of the most painful songs to hear. Suicide. But for some reason, he wanted my ears to listen to it and what Zane wanted Zane would get!

Before Zane died, I never noticed the small miracles around me. I find pennies, but was that penny sent for me, or did someone else not see their sign? We are forever blaming Zane for anything that goes wrong at the house; we know he has something to do with it. On Christmas morning, he hid Daniel’s wallet; I am not kidding. Then it reappeared in almost the same spot. Before Joe found it, Daniel went outside and yelled at his baby brother. It was quite comical. I felt like my sweet son was there.

Adrianna was watching videos on YouTube one morning before work. While flipping through the day’s videos, one came up, but it was a few days old. She decided to watch it anyway because it sounded interesting. It was about a nurse who had delivered a father and his daughter, just 30 years apart. A minute or so into it, it caught her extra attention. First, the nurse’s last name was MY maiden name, McGowen. Then, the father announced the baby’s name, Zane. Oh, the sign.

Adrianna was hit again, this time at work. A little girl came up to the counter at McDonald’s, asking for ice cream. Adrianna had to tell her it was not working; the little girl turned around and yelled at her little brother, “Zane, there’s no ice cream!!!” Her father said, “Now now, Morgan, it will be ok.” Adrianna quietly turned around and headed towards the back to keep from crying in front of the customers. How could that be?? Two kids. One named Zane, the other Morgan. Wow.

Here’s my favorite one as of recent. My husband and I were invited to the South Plains College Scholarship Gala by my sister and brother-in-law, a very last-minute invite. As we sat down at the table with my brother-in-law’s business, Plains Motor Supply, the waiter introduced himself. Yes, you guessed it by now, his name was ZANE!!! I asked the young man his age, 20. My Zane would be 20 this year. Our waiter Zane asked what his birthday was, I told him October 6th. His was October 4th.

My son was there.

Later that evening, the live auction began. I mentioned to my sister and husband that one particular live auction item would be cool – to a name a street on the SPC campus for one year. My unselfish and giving brother-in-law bid won and gave us the paper to name the road. Soon my baby’s name will be on a street sign. We were meant to be there Friday night.

I could go on and on about silly stories that involve Zane. He’s here. Our sweet boy came to us immediately after he left us, didn’t even wait. He came in dreams, through songs, through OUR car radio, the rain, the dog at the cemetery, and the ground we walked on. I encourage anyone who has lost someone close to you to find the signs or ask for a sign. They will be there before you know it.

Please, if you are in any way having suicidal thoughts, call someone or the AFSP hotline.
1-800-273-8255 or
Text TALK to 741741

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West Texas has always been my home, and Lubbock has been my work-home for 23 years as a hairstylist. My husband Joe and I have 4 children, Daniel (24), Zane (Forever 16), KaiDyn (13) and Riot (11). Daniel is married to Adrianna and together they have our wild and crazy 5 year old grandson Zeagan. KaiDyn and Riot, whom are siblings, are adopted and have been with us since January of 2018! Joe and I are actively involved in a Suicide Prevention and Awareness Program called #flyhighzane. In 2020 Joe left the oilfield to become self-employed owning a handyman business, Everybody Needs a Joe and Sons. I am here as a mom, a grandmother, a friend, and just someone who has been there. I'm here to talk. Favorite Restaurant: Cancun Favorite Lubbock Landmark: Hell's Gate behind Dunbar Lake (this spot was Zane's favorite) Favorite Tradition: Anything at the National Ranching Heritage Center