Hi, it’s me, your resident awkward topics blogger 😉
Today’s topic will be about putting some spice in your sex life, or at least maybe some sex in your sex life. Ready? I promise we’ll go slow, at your own pace, and there will be no pushing for you to move past your comfort zone.
First things, first. The absolutely unequivocal rule for a healthy sex life (really the only absolute when it comes to sex in my opinion) is this: Everything that happens must be between consenting adults, people who have open and respectful communication with one another, and where everyone promises to make their partner’s comfort and safety a priority.
If you’re like many moms, you are probably wondering how you’re doing in this area. Is your frequency normal? Is it healthy? Is everything “as expected” in your relationship? I’m 100%, not a sexpert, but what I will tell you is that if you’re following the rule above, you have everything you need as a foundation to create the sex life you and your partner desire and deserve.
I’d like to throw out some thoughts and suggestions, and then would ask you to engage with these by adding your own. Not comfortable commenting publicly? No problem! Maybe private journaling is more your speed. One of the best ways to start getting the sex life you want is to get comfortable talking about it.
Some things to consider:
- The unequivocal rule is just that – unequivocal. If someone is being forced, pressured, coerced, guilted, etc., they are not having happy, healthy sex. Period.
- There is no such thing as a “normal frequency.” We’ve heard too many myths that “happy couples have sex X times a week!” This is nonsense. What does it matter if you and your partner enjoy having sex more or fewer times a week than your friends and neighbors? What’s much more important is finding a frequency that works for both of you. Are you both good with once week sex? Or are you a once of day couple? Guess what! It doesn’t matter! As long as you can agree on an answer that works for both of you, then it’s the right, “happy” number.
- Communication is key. Many of us grew up getting the message that sex isn’t something we talk about. In fact, one of my favorite quotes is from Lubbock’s own Butch Hancock. He says, “life in Lubbock, Texas taught me… sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should save it for someone you love.” The irony is pretty apparent, but it doesn’t do us any favors when it comes time to talk about sex and having sex, even with the person we love the most! All I can say is practice, practice, practice. It really does get easier! Being able to talk to your partner about likes and dislikes, fears, hang-ups, what you’d like to try… all of these conversations help build intimacy, which helps create better sex.
- “Sex isn’t important.” That is total crap. Of course, it’s not the only thing that is important, and likely not the most important, but that doesn’t make it unimportant. Again, what kind of sex and how often you’re having it isn’t what matters. What matters is being able to connect with your partner in all sorts of areas, including physically! But this one absolutely leads right into…
- Your physical relationship isn’t *just* sex. If you’re thinking about your sex life as only the times you have sex, that may be the first issue. So many other things go into a fulfilling sex life! What does your communication look like? Your physical touch? Do you hold hands, hug, kiss, cuddle, etc.? These may not all be your cup of tea, but find out what is and make that touch intentional. It’s kind of awkward to go from zero physical contacts to BAM, sex!
Some things to try:
- Schedule, schedule, schedule. Seriously. I know some people are adamant that scheduling sex makes it boring and predictable. It might, but you know what else? It makes it more likely to actually happen! Something I like to do is literally put it on a calendar. I mean, I don’t write the actual words “SEX TIME, BABY!” but there’s a term that we both know, ya know, and it’s kind of fun to have a little secret right there on our actual calendars. Something else that scheduling can do – it can make things a little spicy when you know you have grown up time to look forward to.
- DADS and PARTNERS – This one is for you! When you’re in the stage of motherhood that requires lots of hands-on time with kiddos or when you’ve been doing homework, dinner, dishes, etc. it’s incredibly hard to switch from Mom-mode to Sexy-Lady mode. Help your partner with this transition. Give them a few minutes to decompress, give a nice back or foot rub, turn the lights down a little and snuggle up for your favorite grown-up show. This can do wonders for some after-activities ?
- Be open to trying new things. IMPORTANT CAVEAT: This only applies to new ideas that both people are comfortable trying. Again, pressure should never be part of your sex life. It can be something ‘little’ like a new location or changing up having the light on or off, all the way to the other end of the spectrum where you’re both trying out your wildest fantasies. This is why “The Rule” is so important. When you’ve built the necessary trust and respect in your relationship, you can be open to trying new things without worrying that you’ll be asked to do something that’s outside your boundaries. An excellent sexual partner will respect those and never ask you to break them.
- Ask for help if you need it. Seriously. There are sex therapists (and regular therapists if that’s more your speed!) that have the training to help you work through the rough patches. Your relationship is worth it! There are also great books available if you’re not ready to talk to someone in person.
Building the sex life you want requires communication and lots of effort. If you aren’t quite where you want to be, don’t give up! Just like we work at being good at other things, this one requires practice.