Thinking About You


I love imagining you with chubby little fingers.

Picking flowers and making wishes. Stopping to watch a roly-poly crawl by and say hi to all the ladybugs.

Climbing a tree, bravely taking one step at a time until your face peeks over a limb, beaming with pride. 

I love to think about you chasing the butterflies and jumping in puddles, trying to catch frogs and lightning bugs. The way you might look when a dragonfly lands on your nose and then the expression you make before we both burst out laughing.

I love to imagine you twirling in dresses and dancing with your daddy; what it would feel like for you to snuggle up on my lap—trying on my lipstick and practicing puckering—singing and humming to a tune—skipping around and playing with your sisters—talking to the jaybirds and whispering to the flowers. 

The way the wind would always play with your hair, with you looking as wild and unkempt as your sisters.

First birthdays and first haircuts, and first days at school. You are growing up before my very eyes.

I like to imagine it, pretend I can nearly see it.

What it would be like with three. What it would be like if you had never left.

Then I imagine you in Heaven, practically glowing from living in the presence of eternal, pure love. Joy is overflowing in your heart in a way that feels normal to you.

Unicorns are no longer a fairytale. Mermaids as your best friends. Puppies as your pillows. And cotton candy for breakfast.

The softest alpacas are carrying you from place to place. Lions are roaring and sharing with you all their secrets. Bears belly-laughing at all your jokes. Floating across the evening with the fairies.

Rainbows dance in waterfalls. Rain is only meant for dancing. Wildflowers and roses tangled through everything. The most beautiful of scenery I could imagine, being your every day. Your paradise. 

Counting the stars as they sparkle around you. Saying hello to the moon. Sleeping with a heavenly peace that wraps you up in the sweetest of dreams.

Waking up to butterfly kisses. Painting the sky with your watercolors as you help wake up the sun. Shouting out with glee, with your arms outstretched, wind dancing through your fingers, as you soar on the back of a dragon.

Giggling with the angels. Playing hide and seek with Jesus. Crawling up in God’s lap.

Looking down from the other side of the stars. Living life to a capacity we can only dream of.

No boo-boos, heartbreak or tears. No hurt. No pain. No sorrow. The very best of the very best. 

I imagine these things. Sit and ponder them on the more challenging days until these thoughts fill my heart with joy.

It’s always about perspective. I know that you know if God were ever to ask me, “Do you want her back?” I’d say yes in a heartbeat. And as much as I long to be near you every single day, I also know that if God were to ask, But, do you want me to take her away from Heaven?”

Even as much as my heart aches for you, I know, I would let you stay.

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Hello all! I am a mother of three girls. Gracelyn is 8, Alise is 6, and Sayge went to Heaven at 7 weeks old. (SUIDS, which pretty much means they have no idea why she died) I was a social worker/admissions coordinator at Carillon Nursing Home in my previous life, and had quit to stay home to raise my kiddos after we had our youngest. I’m very active in kickboxing, Karate, and sparring. I know, crazy, but it has been my saving grace in dealing with the loss of our daughter. I have a fb page we had created to give out information for her funeral that turned into Letters to Sayge, and an instagram account Whispersofcourage where I try to infuse hope into the idea of going through life after the loss of a child. I also am a Lubbock coordinator for the West TX Chapter of a group called Hope Mommies that provides local support for mothers and families who has suffered child loss. I grew up on a farm in a small town. Met my husband, Shawn, in college at ACU, who I have been married to for 13 years and counting and is the love of my life. My main goal is simply to make a difference in the lives of others, while living this life to the fullest, and sharing the hope of Christ along the way.