Don’t give up.
I know things are hard right now, simple things are overwhelming, and the future is full of uncertainty. You wonder if it will ever get better. I know you feel like you will never smile again, and nothing could ever possibly bring you joy. You don’t want to live the rest of your life with it hurting to breathe.
I know you stare at things that used to be so important that no longer hold any value. You shake your head at people teaching you how to do the perfect hair bun, or trying to decide what chips they want or greet you with a smile and a “good morning.” I know you want to scream that the world should be trembling, time should be paused, and you don’t know if you will ever say “good morning” again.
I know it takes everything you’ve got to get out of bed in the morning.
To face another day feeling this way. And then off the couch in the afternoon. To meet another agonizing, sleepless night. Nourishing your shell of a body seems pointless. Caring about what you look like is the last thing on your mind. Time appears to taunt you, moving slower than you ever thought possible.
I know that people talk to you, and you don’t know what to say. You know what it feels like to have cried out all your tears. You sit there numb. You feel so much agony that you have to stop yourself from clawing at your face. You know what it feels like to ache from a broken heart. You know what it feels like to be so overwhelmed with emotion you get sick, pass out, or have a panic attack. You feel so shattered and broken.
I know that choosing death would be easier.
What it feels like to stand with a handful of sleeping pills held up to your lips. Wanting so badly to find peace, just wanting the pain to end and not knowing how to live the rest of your life this way. I also know what it feels like to put them back in the bottle. Because you would never want the people you love to feel they weren’t enough to make you stay. And then crying yourself to sleep at night, choosing them over yourself, every single day.
I know what it feels like to laugh again for the first time. How comforting a chai tea can taste. How good it can feel to have the sunshine kiss your shoulders. Snowflake kisses on your cheek. I know what it’s like to put on something besides a t-shirt. To do a little something extra in your day. To not cry through everything.
To look in the mirror and not just see someone grieving. To say yes to lunch with friends. Say yes to date night. Yes to playing with your kids. To enjoy something new. To enjoy a holiday. To have a good time. And to mean it.
I’m telling you. I’ve been there. In the very depths of where you are. Waves crashing in. Darkness pouring down. Too heavy to even walk. Numb to everything. Death seems easier. I see you, and my heart aches for where you are.
But I promise, there is more than this that you are feeling.
This is not the end of your story. Light is waiting to break through. Laughter is calling your name. A breath of fresh air is just around the corner. Hold on for another day. Reach out to those begging to help you. Let them. Allow yourself time to rest and heal. Talk to God. Tell him everything. What you’re mad and sad about. All the things you don’t understand. All the things you wish were different.
Let Him hold it all for you, then watch and see what He’s capable of. What He can do with the ashes of who we were before. I guarantee you; He is a Game-Changer. But if you’re not ready to talk to God, then speak to a friend. Talk to a counselor. Call a hotline. Fight to find what’s worth living for. Fight to see what holds your broken heart together. Fight to let yourself smile again.
Your tomorrow is brimming with the hope of possibility. I know you can do this! But, until you realize it for yourself, let us sit here with you in the dark.
