My heart was not prepared to accept that with having my last baby comes the reality of the last firsts of everything.
I knew that I was carrying a baby for the last time. I knew that I would deliver a baby for the last time. I knew that I was hearing her heartbeat from inside of my belly for the last time and feeling her kicks for the last time. All of those things my heart was prepared for. While they were bittersweet, I was ready. What I wasn’t prepared for was what came next.
On February 11, 2021, we brought home our last baby.
We took that last first car ride home. We made our last first walk into our house with a newborn. We introduced our last baby to our friends and family. Never again will we have a tiny baby to show off. My heart wasn’t prepared for this. In the following months, I sat up all. night. long. with a crying infant for the last time. It finally clicked in her head one night, and she only woke once. I took my last First Valentine’s Day pictures, my last First 4th of July pictures, my last First Halloween pictures. How was I supposed to prepare for this?
When my heart started finding peace within, we cut our first last tooth.
We sat unassisted for the last first time. We used our last first size one diaper, then moved to 2s, 3s, and now 4s. I dread the day I put the last size four on my tiny baby. I will pack the 6-9 month clothes for the last time and pull out the 9-12 months. My heart is not prepared for this. We’ve started pulling up, which is just another last first for me. I constantly ask myself whether I am soaking it all in enough.
Am I filing these memories away in my brain so that I can pull them out on a day when I need them most? We will celebrate our last first Thanksgiving. And then we will have our last first flight to meet the family. We will wake up on our last first Christmas morning and watch the magic unfold before her eyes for the last first time. In a few short years, I will walk my last baby into the last first day of school. Then, before I know it, we will be headed to our final high school graduation.
Mamas, if I can give you any advice, it’s this: soak it all in.
And when you think you ARE soaking it all in, soak it in even more. Every day, I wonder if we will have a last first that day that I may miss. I have peace in knowing she is our last, but nothing can or will ever prepare my heart for these last firsts.
